Muddled Mind | fadingvioletdawn's Blog

I don't know what to feel lately.  I'm just, confused.
I have options.  Too many options.  Currently, in the 11th grade, I have a 97.1% as my GPA.  I could go to any school I wanted to.  I don't even know what I want to do.  Am I to crazy to study psychology?  I'd like to be a researcher.  Neurology and psychology mix?  Does that even exist?  What about Computer Science?  A career path with uber stability, because of the growing demand for Computer savvy nerds and programmers.  And schools.  If I go to one certain school, my aunt and uncle will take me in, and my cousin will be going to the same school, allowing me to carpool, not worry about board or groceries.  Or the school that's 6 hours away, with cool programs and a breath of fresh air, far away from anyone I know.  So confused, and with far too many options.
To worry about today, I am emotionally confused.  I am teeter tottering from retardedly happy and bubbly to self-harming low.  I am confused about my social life.  I am confused about the people in my life, people I feel who are my friends, people who I wish were more, people who I'd like to get to know.  Overshadowing all of that is my age-old social anxiety.  I have no trouble making friends now or acting like a fool or letting my opinion be known anymore, but I have no idea how to pursue anybody.  I'm so confused, and so frustrated. 
I'm just... venting.  I want to listen to breaking benjamin and lie in my bed.  I want to write poems to hash it all out.  I want to go for a run, and run until I collapse.  I want to satisfy the itch that keeps nagging at my wrist.  I have so much shit to do and so many decisions to make, and I can't seem to figure it all out.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm not doing enough, others I wonder if I work too hard..  Sometimes I wonder how people see me, and other times I couldn't care less.  Sometimes I wonder if I work too hard, if I dedicate myself to the things I do too much, then sometimes I wonder if I could dedicate more time to the things I do.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm too cheap, and others if I'll ever have enough money to survive on.  Sometimes I hate who I am, and others I love the person I've become. 
Sometimes I think I've got it all figured out.
Then I delve into that hole once again, and realize that the world isn't as clear as I'd hoped it would be.