Muddled Mind | fadingvioletdawn's Blog
I don't know what to feel lately. I'm just, confused.
I have options. Too many options. Currently, in the 11th grade, I have a 97.1% as my GPA. I could go to any school I wanted to. I don't even know what I want to do. Am I to crazy to study psychology? I'd like to be a researcher. Neurology and psychology mix? Does that even exist? What about Computer Science? A career path with uber stability, because of the growing demand for Computer savvy nerds and programmers. And schools. If I go to one certain school, my aunt and uncle will take me in, and my cousin will be going to the same school, allowing me to carpool, not worry about board or groceries. Or the school that's 6 hours away, with cool programs and a breath of fresh air, far away from anyone I know. So confused, and with far too many options.
To worry about today, I am emotionally confused. I am teeter tottering from retardedly happy and bubbly to self-harming low. I am confused about my social life. I am confused about the people in my life, people I feel who are my friends, people who I wish were more, people who I'd like to get to know. Overshadowing all of that is my age-old social anxiety. I have no trouble making friends now or acting like a fool or letting my opinion be known anymore, but I have no idea how to pursue anybody. I'm so confused, and so frustrated.
I'm just... venting. I want to listen to breaking benjamin and lie in my bed. I want to write poems to hash it all out. I want to go for a run, and run until I collapse. I want to satisfy the itch that keeps nagging at my wrist. I have so much shit to do and so many decisions to make, and I can't seem to figure it all out.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm not doing enough, others I wonder if I work too hard.. Sometimes I wonder how people see me, and other times I couldn't care less. Sometimes I wonder if I work too hard, if I dedicate myself to the things I do too much, then sometimes I wonder if I could dedicate more time to the things I do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too cheap, and others if I'll ever have enough money to survive on. Sometimes I hate who I am, and others I love the person I've become.
Sometimes I think I've got it all figured out.
Then I delve into that hole once again, and realize that the world isn't as clear as I'd hoped it would be.
My mood: very confused
Previous PostsMuddled Mind, posted November 8th, 2012, 1 comment
No Less, posted October 23rd, 2012
just ****., posted September 28th, 2012, 4 comments
TickTockTickTock, posted September 12th, 2012, 2 comments
Dear Me, posted September 1st, 2012, 1 comment
Just Another Thought or Two.. Or More.., posted August 15th, 2012, 1 comment
The Rants of the Suicidal, posted July 26th, 2012, 1 comment
Hurt, posted June 18th, 2012, 1 comment
Hopeless, posted May 5th, 2012
An Emotional Purging/My Life In Lyrics, posted April 12th, 2012
Escaping the Darkness, posted March 30th, 2012
Hospital..., posted March 11th, 2012, 2 comments
Diagnosis, The Rock, Help; Finally, posted February 29th, 2012, 5 comments
fuckingfuck, posted February 23rd, 2012, 4 comments
The Big Secret, posted January 26th, 2012, 4 comments
Holiday Rant, posted December 3rd, 2011
Everything and Nothing, posted November 10th, 2011
Yes., posted October 22nd, 2011
Who Knows?, posted October 21st, 2011, 2 comments
Barrage of WTF, posted October 1st, 2011, 2 comments
Tip Of The Iceberg, posted September 23rd, 2011, 2 comments
Cleansed and Loved, posted August 17th, 2011, 2 comments
New Me, posted August 5th, 2011
Beach BABAY, posted July 28th, 2011
Admission Time, posted July 20th, 2011
Anyone Know What I'm Talking About?, posted July 16th, 2011, 4 comments
In The Beginning, posted July 2nd, 2011
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